Laugh or Die
- ElleSkell
- Sep 29, 2017
- 11 min read
Sometimes life is made up of separate threads of seemingly meaningless connections that, when put together as a whole, you find your heart and soul impacted in ways you never could have imagined. Several such threads have appeared for me this week, bringing a breath of fresh air into my currently-treacherous-feeling, yet amazing and awesome, life. Said breath of fresh air has also brought people back into my orbit from recent and distant past, all of whom I long ago made peace with about the likelihood of never seeing again.
In this week’s horoscope, it says in part:
"Clowns in the circus wear painted-on smiles, but beneath the surface, they are depicted as sad and lonely. The same thing can sometimes be said for funny people. Sometimes the funniest people hide a deep well of sadness and trauma."
Someday I will talk more about the vivid dreams I’ve had since childhood, and how sometimes I wake up with an idea fresh on the brain. Sometimes these ideas are works of brilliance and other times they are commands from deep within my system somewhere that tell me to find something, and find that something RIGHT NOW.
…Today was absolutely such a morning.
I woke up from a wonderful sleep, Bavmorda-cat to my left, Bellatrix-cat to my right, and all I could think was “You must find this piece of paper from this federal agency and you need to do it as soon as possible this morning.” So, I got up and proceeded to search the house high and low. I pulled out bags of paper I hadn’t looked at in years, boxes I’d haphazardly thrown together with disorganized piles of crap every time I’ve moved over the last several years, and got into organized boxes for the purpose of trying to follow the bread crumbs left by the touched-by-total-insanity person I may or may not still be (honestly, I think the jury is still out on this one!).
Naturally, the one thing I woke up “needing” to find eluded me for the entire block of time I searched for it. Instead I found tools to take steps to get what I needed in a different way, and I found pure gold that made me see myself in a whole new light than I ever have before and made my heart grow, Grinch-style (times-three for those of you who have no idea what I mean).
Somewhere between my September 11, 2012 almost-death and my June 6, 2013 sanity-saving hysterectomy, I spent time in a long term mental health treatment facility located in a completely different state. To go, I had to fly and be taken to the facility, where I was kept for close to eight (8) weeks. I will talk more about this experience in later blog posts, but currently it is only important contextually. Two things about this experience are important and extremely relevant to this particular journey’s segment:
1. Part of the journey at this place was writing your story and sharing it with your House Group, which I unilaterally was unwilling and unable to accomplish while there;
and
2. Within those walls, I met some of the most caring and real people I will ever meet—people who had the opportunity to leave each outgoing person in the House Group a written message of encouragement and love within each of our “Good-Bye Books.”
Today, while searching high and low for that annoying and elusive piece of paper, I found my Good-Bye Book, and even now feel shivers from toes to head and back down again to think about the words therein, written to and about me by my friends and fellow sisters-in-life-crisis.
I am at a place in my life where I have finally 100% recognized and tapped into the awesome that I truly am. This is coming out in ways big and small, some hard for the people around me and some so empowering to me that I find myself not caring as long as my actions don’t hurt those around me in a way I could otherwise control. Finding my Good-Bye Book and having the opportunity to read what was written so many years ago—during a point in my life where no one really thought I would make it out alive—is both humbling and beautiful. For the first time in my life, I see myself for who I am, and find that person reflected back to me even from within a time where I was struggling to maintain even base in living.
Your infectious laughter and bright smile have made my time here unbelievably wonderful. Your sometimes quiet presence is just as enjoyable as when you are sharing your hilarious stories and laughing away. I don’t know what this lodge would be without you and I don’t want to find out…. I am always floored by your intelligence and accomplishments. I hope one day I will have the courage to pack up my stuff and move across the country and start a new life. I admire you so much. I am so excited for you to get out of here and do great things with your life and newfound power. You are so strong and amazing. Embrace IT!!! I love you lots and wish you all the best in your recovery!
I am humbled and myself floored by your words. Through your eyes and through your words—five years after you wrote them—I want you to know that I finally see my power and my light and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I remember you and I love you, and thank you for seeing me and sharing your version of that person with me into the future. I remember how you walked—like the outside brought healing nothing else did. Every walk I take, I think of you. As I so obviously touched your soul, so you have touched mine.
You were the first person who gave me hope that there would be cool chicks here. You have just the right amount of bitch and sweetheart. In short, I adore you and will miss you terribly. We both know you will be fantastic out in the real world and although I’d love to see you again, that might not happen. Just know that you were a light on my horizon and I will always remember you for that. P.S. You’re pretty. Like…REALLY pretty.
There are few things I regret at this point in my life except for the words I have ever used to hurt another during times of great stress and pain within my own life. For years, I’ve looked back on you and the time we had together with deep regret over the way I treated you, which I have always seen as unfair and unkind. I find myself facing shame when I remember how lovely you were, and how you more often than not met the sharpness of my razor tongue instead of the love from my heart I have for the person you were. Thank you for this message, because through your eyes I have seen that we don’t have to be perfect to be admired or respected. Because of you I will face and go inward about my Bitch-to-Sweetheart balance. I remember you and I love you, and thank you for giving me such a strong mirror to see myself through. Every time I utilize my towel dress, I think of you. As I so obviously touched your soul even while I often made you feel bad to make myself feel better, so you have touched mine.
Thank you for being exactly who you are. You're always honest and I really respect that about you. You’re also smart, caring, beautiful, kind, and the list goes on and on… Just remember how amazing and strong you are and never forget that! I’ll miss you.
It was only after reading your note this morning that I realized how much a coworker I was graced to know in recent years reminded me of you. I understand now my immediate affinity to that person now, and I want you to know I remember you and I love you, and thank you for seeing me and sharing your version of that person with me into the future. I remember your smile the most, and the quiet way you showed me friendship and helped calm my nerves more often than you probably are aware. As I so obviously touched your soul, so you have touched mine.
I think that you are an awesomely fascinating, diligently intrepid human being. I am amazed each time I learn more about you: your overwhelming confidence that carried you through sticky situations like a submarine through calm water (and which I am infinitely jealous of—I look up to you and hope to someday have a fraction of your awesome), your strength, your strong sense of self that’s been durable enough to survive anything, your ingenious witticisms, your compassion, your wisdom, everything. I am so glad to have met you and experienced your humor and your exquisite balance of selflessness (talking to people who are upset, talking at people who are too distressed to hold up their end of the conversation), and your own needs (asking for chairs, for night nurses to shut up). I can’t explain how much I look up to you and can’t explain how glad I am to have finally met someone who knows what she wants/needs and is willing to go for it, regardless of what anyone thinks. I am going to think of your fabulous example in times of trouble (“What Would Lisa Do?”) and draw strength from it (Legit: cheesy, but TOTALLY legit!)
My dear, dear friend with the pens and the paper and the soft, sweet eyes that saw all of me in a light I myself have never been able to do. You humble me, and make me proud for every moment I stand and speak my truth, ask for help, demand what I deserve, and remind the people who occupy this world without a care for those around them that, in fact, other people DO matter. You matter, I matter—we all matter. I remember you and I love you. Every time I pick up a pen and put it to paper, I remember you. As I have obviously touched your soul, so you have touched mine.
I don’t know where to begin or what to say. As you know I have waited until the last minute to write this because I don’t want to accept that you are leaving. You are a beautiful and strong woman. In the last month I have watched you grow into a gorgeous butterfly and I know you will handle whatever life throws your way with beauty and grace. I feel honored to have been your roomie and your friend. I was able to see a side of you that most didn’t see…. You are my friend, my sister, and my saving grace…. I don’t think you realize how much you have done for me, how much I appreciate you and how incredible you are. All I have to do when I’m down is think about your animal impressions [sic] or your laugh and I am right there smiling and laughing. You are the only one who can tell me how it is but also help me be okay with my choices and accept my past. I want you to know that you inspire me.
When I read this, I was instantly pulled back to late nights laying in the dark making animal impressions until we fell asleep (well, until you guys fell asleep anyway!). My girl, you recognized in me parts of myself I am only now getting to know intimately inside of myself. Thank you for seeing me and for being a part of my journey. I remember you and I love you. As I have obviously touched your soul, so have you touched mine.
There is no better person to have spent this time with than you. You are such an amazing and insightful person and I am a better person for knowing you. I am fortunate to have had a couple friends that I love dearly, but meeting and keeping them is always the best part…it is not often that I meet another person I would happily add to that group. But I have found that in you. You are magnetic, you are so full of life and laughter that you just draw people to you. You truly have brought laughter back into my heart and my life. You might actually be the funniest person I know. Scratch that! You are the funniest person I know. I wish I could bottle that infectious laugh of yours and keep it for a rainy day, or any/every day, really. I will miss you terribly, but I am so, so, so grateful that you have come into my life, even if only for a moment in time. I know you will do great things. Your tremendous strength, wit, and intelligence will surely take you far. Stay strong and take care of you.
You have brought laughter back to my life and left footprints on my soul.
You opened up and touched a part of my soul that had been neither for a very long time. I remember once standing in the hall after morning group and you asked me how I was doing, and I did my normal routine of plastering a smile and answering “Everything is fine and I feel really good” all while pain cracked beneath the corners of the smile and from behind the eyes shielding a shattered psyche, shaking my head as though disagreeing with the very words coming out of my own mouth. You not only recognized this behavior, but you called me on it. I have since had many occasions to remember someone noticing the pain beyond the smiles and infectious laughter. The latter wasn’t a lie, but I certainly wasn’t able to face the truth of the former. Until you. Every time I eat a hard boiled egg, or hear MGMT on the radio, I think of you. I remember you and I love you. You helped me laugh and recognize my pain and know they didn’t have to be mutually exclusive. For every footprint I left on your soul, know you left your own on mine. As I have obviously touched your soul, so you have touched mine.
You see, I am a funny person—someone who relates easily and well to all people, who is capable of speaking her truth and standing on her own two feet no matter what. I strive to touch the hearts of the people I meet with my own. We each are given talents and gifts in this world, and instead of feeling comfortable sharing them, we have been made afraid to even outwardly show that we have them.
We smile even while all that is left are tears of pain and shame, and we laugh even when the act of not being ourselves or feeling safe demanding respect—that each of us deserves just for being human—constantly makes us want to die, or rage against anyone and everyone.
We live half-lives, plastering on fake happiness so no one has to know how empty we really feel. We throw ourselves into fantasy and reality television—we don’t discriminate as to the kinds of things we use to distract ourselves from feeling the truth—and spend money we don’t have to buy things we don’t need so we can be at home with how fake our own lives are. (Thank you, Tyler Durden...)
If you’re one of the lucky ones, you end up in a locked mental ward miles away from your family where you unknowingly touch the lives of beautifully broken humans, even while struggling with a splintered psyche and a traumatized soul that has taken you deep to the edge of life where the only decision left to make is to stay or to go. And when you choose to stay, you choose to fight like hell for the life you truly deserve to live.
All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who and what I am: every bit of salty and sweet drop of water and intense wind inside this beautiful hurricane that is me. I searched high and low my entire life, and am only now realizing I’ve had it all along, even in the worst situation I will likely ever endure.
I chose to smile instead of cry.
I chose to love instead of hate.
I chose to speak my truth and be vocal about my needs—because if you are not, then I guarantee you that no one else is going to be.
I chose to laugh instead of die.
